


Drops of Sunshine

by InterPlanetaryGirl



Series: Don't say a word, I understand. [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: ((Like heavily referenced)), Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insomnia, Literal Sleeping Together, Lots of Angst, M/M, Midnight calls, Panic Attack Mention, Pre-Relationship, They both have a couple of issues, They get caught in the rain, towards the end, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-23
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-05-03 02:52:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5273765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InterPlanetaryGirl/pseuds/InterPlanetaryGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But now Kageyama is with a team who does care about him, and show this often. In the small things they do and the way they all tease one another and never leave him out and everything about them just screams “WE ARE A FAMILY!!!”  when he is with them but- but that doesn’t matter.</p><p>***</p><p>This is mainly just a feelings talk but also at the beginning things are kinda rough for Kags but it gets better I promise!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drops of Sunshine

**Author's Note:**

> Wow this is really just me projecting everything onto my sweet little babies so please forgive me for anything and everything because I maybe kinda made them suffer???? So yeah. Please don't read id you can get triggered by anything to do with self harm though but otherwise enjoy.

Kageyama didn’t know why it happened. Not really. Some days he'd be doing fine, enjoying playing volleyball, chasing Hinata because he was such a _dumbass ___, and then when he tried to sleep. He just couldn’t. He didn’t know why. He didn’t know if he wanted to. But his head was so full of words, and nicknames, and memories that he just didn’t want to think about. And his brain wouldn’t shut up and he couldn’t sleep, he couldn’t focus, he couldn’t do anything other than yell _shut up shut up shut up ___to his brain.

__And of course it wouldn’t. So he'd sit there, on his bed, a blanket draped over his lap as he just sat there._ _

__It started, with simple things really – _worries ___– back in middle school. And escalated from there. He found, one time, when he punched the wall, that pain helped. It helped more than he expected it to. He felt a rush when his closed fist hit the wall, and he couldn’t help but laugh. The one that Hinata calls “scary”. It probably is. And Kageyama doesn’t like it in any other context than remembering that initial pain he felt the first time he punched the wall._ _

__However he realised that it wouldn’t help with his volleyball if he punched the walls. That would only make it more difficult to play. So he found another way: when he had been cutting some fruit a few days after the “punching a wall” incident he named it, because of how often he thought back to it over the next days, he accidentally cut his finger – deep enough to cause blood._ _

__It didn’t bother him, but it gave him a smaller yet similar feeling to when he punched the wall. He realised it was satisfaction, but not until later that night after indulging himself in the feeling it gave him some more. But deeper and on his wrist. (Luckily there were no practice matches that week so he could just wear his practice sweater, instead of jersey.)_ _

__For the first night in weeks he slept a full night without another thought and had a small smile on his face when he went to sleep. And although he denies it, he cried a little too. (In his mind he doesn’t know if it’s from happiness or pain finally seeping through.)_ _

__From then on, however, he keeps it up. Instead moving from his arm and to his legs because it wasn’t as visible in practice and he never wanted to have to pretend his wrist was strained again. But it wasn’t as if people asked questions about it – only the coach, to whom he had lied. Nobody on the team cared anyway, about his well-being since they don’t even like him as a player was all he could think, and then his parents were never around enough to notice; or if they did, they didn’t care._ _

__But now Kageyama is with a team who does care about him, and show this often. In the small things they do and the way they all tease one another and never leave him out and everything about them just screams _“WE ARE A FAMILY!!!” __when he is with them but- but that doesn’t matter._ _ _

___That doesn’t matter when he is now addicted to the feeling of the cool knife against the skin of his thighs. When he feels such relief at seeing the blood flow down his thighs and _*drip* *drip* *drip* __onto the bathroom floor. Now he feels a small bit if guilt there too. Because this new team cares about him. But he keeps hurting himself. Sometimes he realises this on an emotional level and breaks down because of it. Because he cares about them and if they found out they’d probably all feel a little guilty too – except Tsukishima – and they shouldn’t. And he tried to stop, he really does, but all he could keep thinking in his mind was along the lines of needing pain, and he grew impatient – waiting for the sensation to pass._ _ _ _

___It never did. Instead of drove him near the point of insanity and he was angrier than usual, more impatient than usual, and could not stand to be around anybody. Inside his head he felt a _*tick**tick**tick* __going constantly. Like a fucking bomb, waiting for him to explode. It had only been three days and yet he couldn’t take it any longer and tore the skin of his thighs to shreds with the knife._ _ _ _

___There was an unseen variable, however, in that, with his near madness, he didn’t pay attention to how far down he was cutting and when he had cleaned the floor and this thighs, wrapping them up on bandages to stop the flow of blood, and some were further down than he usually made. That were usually hidden by his shorts. But he knew these would never be. And he sighed. Deciding to come up with an excuse in the morning as he climbed into bed after stripping to a t-shirt and boxers, not even attempting the homework that would be lost on him even if his head wasn’t woozy and making his vision blur._ _ _

___He still couldn’t sleep, of course, and found himself replying drearily to text messages from Hinata way past midnight, while he complained about the difficulty of math homework he got. Then about half past one Hinata decided to call Kageyama because their texts were too incoherent for the other to understand and it would just be easier._ _ _

___Lately this was somewhat routine. For Hinata to call him out of nowhere in the middle of the night and refusing to hang up on him until he fell asleep. (One time it resulted in a contest to see who could last the longest; neither got any sleep and both gulped down as much caffeine as they were able to on the way to school, in the form of energy drinks and coffee instead of racing.)_ _ _

___It was fine though, good, even, because Hinata gave Kageyama a look every so often that showed utter support and as if he got what Kageyama was thinking._ _ _

___That look isn’t the one that Kageyama got from him that morning while they got changed. Kageyama had fallen asleep first in their call, like usual – something about Hinata made him sleepy after a while of talking to him – but he knew that Hinata thought something was up. Especially since Kageyama had refused to race him this morning, not wanting to reopen the cuts before practice since that would only cause more discomfort._ _ _

___Hinata left it alone though and acted...mostly normal throughout the day. He was still excited for volleyball at morning and lunch practice, still louder than necessary, he still had very little understanding of personal space. But something was bothering him and Kageyama didn’t know if he had figured out his not-so-hidden secret, or if he was thinking of something of his own._ _ _

___Then Kageyama scolded himself for thinking so selfishly – of course Hinata wouldn’t know what was going on with him, because if he did then he wouldn’t keep his mouth shut about it probably._ _ _

___Hinata was distracted, more than usual, in their Japanese Literature class. Which was odd because it was usually the class he paid most attention in, and then he was a different kind of loud in practice. Kageyama didn’t say anything about it because he didn’t think he would be able to handle if they began to argue. Not today. Everybody gives them looks. But they both ignore them, working in a friendly but calm quiet, Hinata speaking softly. He does this sometimes and Kageyama doesn’t say anything when it happens, just goes with it._ _ _

___When they take a five minute break after forty five minutes Hinata walks away from him and begins to pace. It makes Kageyama annoyed watching as he does. Yes, has usually moving all the time, but this is quiet and slow, and it irritates his line of sight._ _ _

___Hinata stops suddenly and drops his bottle, and Kageyama immediately stood up to ask what was wrong, but Hinata picked up his bottle and speed walked over to Suga, who had a few words before guiding him out with a hand in his back. They go back to practice a minute before Suga comes in, and Hinata follows ten minutes later, moving more sluggishly than ever and looking exhausted, but she still works hard to keep up._ _ _

___He rushed out of the gym afterwards (with permission from Suga, Kageyama guesses since Daichi doesn’t bat an eye) and Kageyama sees him say walking towards the bike racks as the rest go back to the locker room._ _ _

___His shoulders are slumped, his uniform is half-on and his breaths seem heavy. Kageyama feels a pang of sadness for him, recognising the stature._ _ _

___He gets changed methodically, facing the lockers on an angle so his bloodied legs can’t be seen before leaving without so much as a goodbye behind him. He feels himself slump as he walks._ _ _

___As he walks down the street he hears the clang of metal, a frustrated yell and then an obviously-in-pain “Ow ow ow!”_ _ _

___He rolls his eyes at the voice and continues to walk toward it. The dark clouds are closing in And Kageyama can practically smell a storm on the horizon. When he turns a corner he sees the orange hair lower than he expected to._ _ _

___Hinata looks so defeated with an angry scowl on his rosy lips and tears in his eyes while his fists are clenched in his lap where he sits on the floor, feet planted on his bike. He doesn’t look up as his voice cuts through the air painfully. “What?” Hinata asks it forcefully, it’s vicious, and so unlike Hinata he had to blink and look around that they were alone before sitting beside him._ _ _

___“What’s wrong?” he asks quietly._ _ _

___“I’m tired.” Hinata sighs. He says it in a way that Kageyama knows what he means, because he says it that way himself._ _ _

___“Me too.” Kageyama says back._ _ _

___“You don’t get it Kageyama.” He bites, tired still_ _ _

___“I do.”_ _ _

___“Okay.” Hinata clearly wasn’t up for a fight right now._ _ _

___“We should go home,” Kageyama says, “It’s going to storm soon.”_ _ _

___“I know.” Hinata begins to stand up, picking his bike up once he was stood with his bags in place. Neither was in much of a mood to hurry, even as it started to pour, so they were soaked within a matter of minutes before they arrived at Kageyama’s house – a mutual agreement they’d come to several minutes into being drenched. The walk was melancholic and filled with silence besides their light steps and the chains of Hinata’s bike._ _ _

___Kageyama’s parents weren’t in when they arrived, so Kageyama want to his room and fetched both of them a new set of clothes before leading Hinata to the bathroom for him to change. No words were exchanged other than “Thanks,” from Hinata, and “No problem,” from Kageyama._ _ _

___Hinata was sat rolling the bottom of sweat pants he was brought while he sat on the couch with the blanket from the back of it wrapped around his shoulders, to wait for Kageyama to get back. His eyes were drooping and they were also red and swollen, which had Kageyama slightly worried but assured himself he would ask about later after not backing out of this._ _ _

___“Hinata. I- I should probably tell you something.” Kageyama starts, taking a deep breath and looking as Hinata settles himself cross legged on the couch facing Kageyama at an angle._ _ _

___“Yeah? Kageyama?” Hinata answers, looking at him earnestly. “I have to tell you something as well.”_ _ _

___“I- I don’t quite know how to say this but-”_ _ _

___“Would it be easier if I went first?” Hinata interrupts. Kageyama nods. “I guess you noticed when I left practice?” Another nod. “Well I had a panic attack. And this happens kind of regularly. I just try to make sure it doesn’t happen in school. But sometimes it does, like today, and I need-” Hinata choked on his words as his eyes welled with tears. “I need to leave so that I can calm down. And then I come back. And it makes me tired and unhappy and feel so worthless but I can’t-” he choked again and tears spilled out. “I can’t stop it. There’s more to say, probably, but you wanted to talk as well, right? Go ahead.” Hinata rubbed his eyes, drying the fresh tear tracks._ _ _

___“I have a lot of...problems, I guess you could say, Hinata.” Hinata looks at him thoughtfully, thinking about where it could be going. “ An- and I’m not proud of them. But...it hurts.”_ _ _

___“Where?” Hinata asks quietly. Kageyama points to his chest, where he feels the hollowness of his heart often, and to his thighs, tracing lightly over the scars that are there. Hinata moves to bury his head in Kageyama’s neck as he wraps his arms around his chest and leans over him, careful to not lean on his thighs. Hinata begins to cry and a warm wetness forms around his collarbone as he doesn’t try to move Hinata, letting him cry._ _ _

___“I know, Kageyama, I know.” He says, after he finished crying and leaned backwards to settle on his knees just in front of Kageyama. “It feels empty and hollow and you want to scream and feel like there’s nothing in the world that can stop it.” Hinata says quietly, looking Kageyama in the eye. “It takes over your entire being until there is nothing left but a feeling of destruction where your heart used to be. You find it difficult to breathe and wonder if the pain will ever end.” Hinata says, and Kageyama just listens, liking the softness of his tone in the way he speaks. Hinata’s voice was calm and controlled, like he’d repeated it a thousand times over just to get it perfect – perhaps he had, to himself, in his room late at night when he felt the hollowness beside the worthlessness in the empty space where his heart was hollow._ _ _

___“Kageyama, drops of sunshine work better than punching walls and hurting yourself- don’t deny that you do because your fists are red sometimes when you come in on a morning.” Kageyama nodded, taking his scolding easily. “Call me anytime, okay?” Kageyama swallowed the lump in his throat._ _ _

___“Hinata you helped me already. You made me forget it sometimes. You’re like drops of sunshine yourself and they help a lot. And I want to help you, too. I want you to not have to hide this just because I’m there. I know now so let me help.” Hinata nodded, agreeing before yawning. It was still relatively early for the two of them to sleep, but neither has eaten yet because of the storm._ _ _

___“Take a nap here, okay? And I’ll wake you when the food arrives.” Kageyama said, standing up to fetch the house phone and a take-out menu. It was easy enough to guess Hinata’s order, since they'd eaten out before and hopes it would be good enough for the easily-passed-out orange haired boy._ _ _

___Kageyama didn’t want to disturb how peaceful he looked as he walked in with the bag of take-out in one hand and two plates in the other, but he woke up on his own after smelling the food._ _ _

___He thanked Kageyama greatly for the food and ate up quick, after using so much energy in volleyball and then his panic attack. He just felt exhausted and his limbs were aching. Morning practice was cancelled because of something that needed to be fixed, a leak that became apparent in the storm, as he had received a mass text from Suga, which meant that, with Hinata’s things in the dryer now, they could sleep in slightly tomorrow. Something Kageyama suspected the other boy would need as he half-dragged him up to his room so they could._ _ _

___Hinata became the big spoon, saying he didn’t want to possibly hurt Kageyama this time, but the next time he got to be the little spoon with no arguing. Hinata was incredibly drowsy by this point and almost drunk from Kageyama’s scent that Kageyama had no response other than to laugh a little and agree before Hinata buried his face in his neck and promptly fell asleep._ _ _

___Kageyama had to agree though, that drops of sunshine went a long way when it came to helping him._ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> So aren't we all glad for that happy-ish ending??? Please tell me about any mistakes I may have made ((since I checked this over twice myself)) and also any feedback you may have for me is always welcome. ((Also about rhe formatting -- I will fix it when I get a new laptop at christmas))
> 
> ((Also I'm thinking of making a series like these since I already wrote one similar to this but focused around Hinata???? But if I make some more based around these can you please tell me what you think of that idea))


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